Dearest Reader,
I am packed with stories from my life always, but I barely manage to express a few.
As you may know from experience, this world is filled with people & minds who only want to express their thoughts in society because they want to be 'heard' or stay 'relevant'
I aspire neither. I express because I wish to.
I express in the assurance of other one hearing me for genuine keenness and interest.
If you find yourself reading this, perhaps you are like me.
(Plays: You're losing me- Taylor Swift (The Vault))
There once was a boy whom I loved intensely,
despite knowing our end future- separation.
The day I first met him, I judged him completely about how he looked and what he wore- a well-pressed shirt, with pink and white thin lines- a boring attire for a young man to wear & carry. He paired it with medium-waist pants, probably a brown shade of trousers (the one I disliked) Yet somehow he looked well-fitted and well-suited (and somewhat desirable in my eyes)
The first time I ever glanced at him was in a small, warm, studio light that made his baby-innocent eyes glimmer while he sat there holding a mic and expressing what he knew best- his mind of thoughts.
Immediately I was intimidated by this man and I envied him for his demeanor and confident expression of self. So much so, that it made me not look into his eyes directly. Perhaps making an eye-contact would reveal all that I was feeling while sitting in a mere audience, peeking at him and judging him.
That evening, the heavens decided to play a little game upon us.
I had the chance to talk to him and have one of the longest conversations I ever had with a stranger.
A stranger who's no more unfamiliar to me. A stranger with whom I tied the string of fate that's going to last a while- probably an important phase of my life.
Now, i hope this story isn't boring you much.. because i have a lot to write about this man, but this isn't about my love story, it's about Life...
A few years passed, and I found myself in his embrace, one fine night wondering, if we wouldn't last forever. My life and destiny won't allow me to make him my future. Our ways of life are so different that- the more I love him, the more I feel I'm losing it. The more I want to be close to him, the more the universe distances us.
But yet I am here, next to him, feeling his very form of physical body- the fact I can touch it, sense it, feel it, taste it, smell it.
And there once was a day when I could only see and judge him from a distance. And there once was a day I vowed to not fall for any man ever again, till that one evening arrived when heavens above played with me.
(We don't talk anymore- Charlie Puth ft Selena Gomez)
Present:
It's been 1,518 days of knowing him, approximately 4 years.
76 days of zero contact. and now, the heavens above want to play a new game.
The game of seasons, where one goes, a new one follows, With Change, Hope, and Renewal.
And yet the only thing I find myself looking at amidst this long time is- finding similar faces like him, similar voices like his, similar dreams that we imagined during our brief time together. And I cannot bring myself to remove him from my mind & body. I don't wish or intend to.
More than anything, I don't wish anybody to know about these feelings of mine.
As a mere human, I believe in the power of love solely. It transforms stories, sagas, ages in history and present time, and beyond that. Loving someone with that depth & surrender cannot bring you back to who you once were.
I don't wish to be brought back. I don't wish to free myself from this torment. This feeling is my comfort spot, because loving from far away, free of strings gives more free oxygen to breathe, than a story where you know deep down, you two won't last forever.
and I am okay with accepting this truth and living my life ahead.
If you are reading this,
I just want to say, that I would happily suffer this pain and torment as my atonement for being true to myself, instead of you when I loved you. I loved you because I wanted to save myself. I was drowning and hanging by a wooden plank when you met me. and you seemed like a sailor who could save me and protect me.
But once we were off-shore, I told you about my hatred for the sea and you told me about your love for the sea. and we knew we couldn't change each other and yet we tried. Because we were two idiots in love. And I am glad we loved each other.
It gave me beautiful moments and a story I'd remember forever in this life.
For you know, I can never do the courageous honor to take my heart and give to another man, unless it's you.
But I cannot even live with the fact that you'd own all of it till the day I die.
yours,
the girl you loved once.
