I cannot fathom to express the pain that lies deep within me. How could I?
I cannot bring justice to myself for this pain. So be it un-expressed.
It all started with the day I came into this world. The baggage of existence.
It hasn't been easy since then. But I used my interests to cope well through life.
As a Gemini moon, I am extremely active and full of energy always. and I obviously have 100 interests that change every day on shuffle. (It's actually a hidden coping mechanism because we gemini moons don't think we are good enough for anybody/anyone)
I also have a Saturn placed next to my moon, in the same sign (that justifies the Saturn image I placed at the start) and Lord Saturn is how I feel this baggage.
Imagine trying to breathe in a free sky, without any limitations, bad air quality, or pollen or dust allergies. (this is your moon/emotions)
And then you realize,
'Oh! I am breathing wrongly. I mustn't breathe and steal somebody's air as be a nuisance when I should sit quietly and not express the noise of my breathing (this is my Saturn/righteousness- a bit effed up)
Nobody deserves to feel this! I know.
But I feel this way every day, probably every minute and second too. I just hide it well.
And I choose to never speak about it because 'speaking takes up energy and time and that is a nuisance as well if the listener doesn't understand what you are expressing. So, cut the crap and stop talking!'
I have the most terrible relationship with Saturn while being born in its sun sign- Capricorn. We have a really father-son relationship that I find difficult to put into words because in real life I really don't know how fathers are. (so anything containing father/ father-love is a trigger for me and I refrain from feeling it)
You can never be right and feel the right thing at the right time. If that was possible, we'd be perfect humans, not experimental ones. But my Saturn/my alter ego wants me to be this way- The right human.
Now, I know this is not my voice, it's probably to voice of my parents, teachers, etc who taught me how to survive life. And as per therapy, I need to find a middle ground between this and listen to that middle voice/gray voice more than listening to my impulsive (Gemini moon) or my very righteous (Saturn)
And trust me, I did find that balance and my life got peaceful after that point for a short while before, I realized, it's not the game of balance, but the game of understanding.
But, I don't desire to understand the ways of this world to mould me and my feelings in a way that I don't wish. and yet I am an Empath who works as a sponge to take in other's energy and still I'm standing there unable to speak the truth- the truth of me and them and how I feel about them.
Because if I do so, I will become right(Saturn) but I will lose my loved ones and everyone(moon)
How is this a fair trade?
So, I really attract some terrible lovers and friends. Because in my family (Saturn oriented= karmic) saying truth is better than having to loved ones close by and that's a fucked up idea.
I want to do both because I want to be right. I do not want to be real or unreal, light or dark, I want to be right to my own self and I struggle to keep up this belief with every breath I take and I cannot say it out to anyone because no one really understands how I feel and no one will.
I am supposed to be this way on my own till I find myself capable enough to share this load with someone who actually desires to know my dark secrets and not run away and dismiss my feelings like everyone else does.
And only someone who has felt this placement, Saturn and moon together in a weak position can understand me.
There is so much more I can add to this, but I don't know/think I should. How will my feelings remain hidden and I remain mysterious if I express everything about myself so easily?
so, on this note, we end.
Hope this gives you some insight on something.
